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Life isn’t going to plan for Charlie Mathis. He’s back in Cutler Lake with no job, no prospects, and no plan. But when he sees his old childhood crush, Stuart Harrison, working at Santa’s Grotto in the local mall, suddenly things don’t seem so bad.
When Charlie was growing up, Stu was always way out of his league. Well, not anymore! The guy is wearing an elf costume—he’s clearly failing harder at life than Charlie is right now. It’s a perfect match, right? But Christmas has a surprise for Charlie, and it’s not what’s under the tree. All I Want for Christmas is Stu is a 15000 word novella containing all the fun, chaos and total confusion of the season. |
An excerpt from All I Want for Christmas is Stu:
“I need to kidnap a small child,” I said as I swept into my sister Lucy’s living room. “Immediately.”
Lucy looked up at me from the nest of wrapping paper, ribbons, and tags that she was ensconced in on the floor, like she was some sort of Christmas-themed rat queen. There was a piece of tape stuck to the side of her bed hair beehive. “Did you bring more wrapping paper?”
I tossed two tubes onto her midden heap, as though I was making an offering to the trash gods. “Yes. Did you hear me about the kidnap thing?”
Lucy fought with a piece of tape for a moment. “Why only kidnap one? You can take the whole bunch as far as I’m concerned. I promise I won’t call the cops until you’re a safe distance away.”
From outside in the backyard, I could hear my nieces and nephews playing. Well, yelling and screaming, which was the same thing. “Are they murdering someone out there?”
“Only each other, I hope.” She bit through the piece of tape, leaving a triangle of it stuck to her bottom lip like an old man with a cigarette paper. She tried to spit it out, and then gave up and wiped her mouth along the shoulder of her fuzzy pajama top to dislodge it. “Why do you need a child?”
I waded my way through the stacks of shopping bags and paper to get to the couch, where I flopped. “Do you remember Liam Harrison from high school?”
She thought for a moment. “Um...that awful kid who grabbed my boob and yelled ‘honk’ at your thirteenth birthday party?”
“Yes.”
She narrowed her eyes. “I remember.”
“Do you remember his brother?”
She scrawled a name on a tag. “Should I?”
“Stu,” I said. “He was in the grade below you.”
Lucy wrinkled her nose. “Maybe?”
Lucy was four years older than I was, which might as well have been a decade when we were in school. Her annoying little brother and his annoying little friends had been largely beneath both her notice and her contempt, that boob honk notwithstanding.
“He was in the chess club.”
“We had a chess club? Huh.” She ripped a piece of tape from the dispenser. “What does this have to do with kidnapping one of my children?”
“Well, I was at the mall getting your more paper, and I saw him,” I said. “He’s working as an elf at Santa’s Grotto. And because I don’t want to be like a stalkerish weirdo who doesn’t have a good reason to be hanging around Santa’s Grotto, I’m going to need to kidnap a child like a normal person.”
“Like a normal person,” she said, eyes narrow again. “Pass me the scissors.”
I dug around for them, and handed them over. “Yeah, you know, like borrowing a friend’s puppy so you have an excuse to run into a hot guy at the dog park.”
“Not that you’re comparing my children to dogs.”
“Not at all,” I agreed, kind of wishing I hadn’t given her the scissors now. “Come on. I’ve been back in town for weeks, and you know how...” Awful it was? How depressing? How it was a fate worse than death? “How that wasn’t the plan. And I had a massive crush on Stu in high school, and it’s Christmas.”
“I need to kidnap a small child,” I said as I swept into my sister Lucy’s living room. “Immediately.”
Lucy looked up at me from the nest of wrapping paper, ribbons, and tags that she was ensconced in on the floor, like she was some sort of Christmas-themed rat queen. There was a piece of tape stuck to the side of her bed hair beehive. “Did you bring more wrapping paper?”
I tossed two tubes onto her midden heap, as though I was making an offering to the trash gods. “Yes. Did you hear me about the kidnap thing?”
Lucy fought with a piece of tape for a moment. “Why only kidnap one? You can take the whole bunch as far as I’m concerned. I promise I won’t call the cops until you’re a safe distance away.”
From outside in the backyard, I could hear my nieces and nephews playing. Well, yelling and screaming, which was the same thing. “Are they murdering someone out there?”
“Only each other, I hope.” She bit through the piece of tape, leaving a triangle of it stuck to her bottom lip like an old man with a cigarette paper. She tried to spit it out, and then gave up and wiped her mouth along the shoulder of her fuzzy pajama top to dislodge it. “Why do you need a child?”
I waded my way through the stacks of shopping bags and paper to get to the couch, where I flopped. “Do you remember Liam Harrison from high school?”
She thought for a moment. “Um...that awful kid who grabbed my boob and yelled ‘honk’ at your thirteenth birthday party?”
“Yes.”
She narrowed her eyes. “I remember.”
“Do you remember his brother?”
She scrawled a name on a tag. “Should I?”
“Stu,” I said. “He was in the grade below you.”
Lucy wrinkled her nose. “Maybe?”
Lucy was four years older than I was, which might as well have been a decade when we were in school. Her annoying little brother and his annoying little friends had been largely beneath both her notice and her contempt, that boob honk notwithstanding.
“He was in the chess club.”
“We had a chess club? Huh.” She ripped a piece of tape from the dispenser. “What does this have to do with kidnapping one of my children?”
“Well, I was at the mall getting your more paper, and I saw him,” I said. “He’s working as an elf at Santa’s Grotto. And because I don’t want to be like a stalkerish weirdo who doesn’t have a good reason to be hanging around Santa’s Grotto, I’m going to need to kidnap a child like a normal person.”
“Like a normal person,” she said, eyes narrow again. “Pass me the scissors.”
I dug around for them, and handed them over. “Yeah, you know, like borrowing a friend’s puppy so you have an excuse to run into a hot guy at the dog park.”
“Not that you’re comparing my children to dogs.”
“Not at all,” I agreed, kind of wishing I hadn’t given her the scissors now. “Come on. I’ve been back in town for weeks, and you know how...” Awful it was? How depressing? How it was a fate worse than death? “How that wasn’t the plan. And I had a massive crush on Stu in high school, and it’s Christmas.”